Dating Blues

You get married or start living together, and something like this might follow:

A) Monday evening: you cook together, and watch TV. What use to be a planned date in the past become a necessity, and therefore becomes a rut.

B) You might be spending 3 to 5 nights a week together. So part of the point of dating is to spend alone time together and you are already doing that, right?

It is easy to get in a RUT. It is even easier to forget to "Plan" a date.

Dates are more than alone time together. It is time you spend together to get to know each other and understand each other. It is about making the other person feel special. In essence it is putting effort into a relationship.  That's why you can have friend, mother, siblings, etc " dates." But I digress...

The point is it is easy to put "dating" on the back burner especially in couples. M& I, have been guilty of this recently especially while I have been in graduate school. As I graduated this past weekend, we made a promise to spend more time together being more purposeful about "dating." We also want to try and think about our "dates" so we don't get into a Dinner and Movie rut.

So starting now I am going to attempt to chronicle our dates. Most of course will be in the lovely town of Madison but some outside.

When the going gets tough...

You Pause. You Avoid. You Dwell. You Stop Caring. You Get Angry.  But you pick up and move on!

Honestly speaking the last few months have been physically, and emotionally exhausting. I have been sick every other week, school has been tough to keep up, work has been draining, and my parents are having some difficulties too which also required my time. As I try to keep up- I have done all of the above; procrastinated and not done anything (pause), pretended like I had control (avoid), worried too much about things I could not control (dwell), I started letting myself go (stopped caring), gotten angry at the world (angry), and now I am ready to move on.

A few Thursdays ago- I did not pack lunch so I walked to get some lunch. As I walked  I focused on the good in my life. I am graduating with a master's degree, I am healthy, I have incredible friends and family, and so much more. I decided enough is enough.

I AM am going to get my act together.

I am not there yet. Since then I have slipped a few times, and needed to pick up again- but I know I can do it. Things might unravel again but I will then do it all over again, and not give up.

I think sometimes society, and we ourselves do not give enough credit to will power.
Originally I had a long ramble about the messages we are getting from society about will power etc, But I realized something- it was hard to convey, and I could not do get the words quite right. So all I want to say is without dismissing real problems like depression is that we as humans have amazing will power. Sometimes we forget that. Will power is not the ability to overcome problems right away- it is the ability to process it however one must, and to keep going. To fail and try again.

So when the going gets tough, remember you can get going too- and it's a process.

Ghar Se Ghar Tak (Fom Home to Home)

Whenever you travel there is a familiar feeling when you hit your own bed- It’s good to be back home.  

But it’s strange to say that when I come back from India- where is home? I was very much an American teenager, but I had an Indian adolescence. As such, going to back to India is very much an emotional roller coaster.  But this trip which I made after being away for too long…  What more? I took my white husband with me. But this journey was too beautiful- if chaotic at times. None the less- I rediscovered India, and it’s still beautiful. India is not perfect by any means, nor was this trip, but those are discussions for another day.  Today is about the beauty of India.  

I grew up in a city of dreams, Mumbai. One day in Mumbai of taking it all in- I was reminded how beautifully diverse India is. To an American eye India might appear less diverse but that is not the case. There is no religion, language, class, caste, and yes, even race uniting India. It’s strikingly diverse. Indians’ embrace and fear this diversity all at the same time. It’s untamed- there is always something going on, and it’s always changing. People are curious if sometimes a little nosy. But adults and children alike bask in their curiosity. In this curiosity I find acceptance, how can you possibly embrace a person or idea without getting to know it? It’s spiritual not necessarily religions. One will be surprised by the number of Hindus at Haji Ali or Mount Mary, and vice versa. India is colorful and historic. Both these things entice me. India is full of contradictions- this both a positive and negative.It’s reminiscent of us,human beings. India at the end of the day is home.

But at the end of the day lying on my bed in Madison, Wisconsin felt like home.  My trip to India in December 2013 returning January 2014- was a trip from home to home.

Why do you Blog? Who Knows about it?

Few months ago, I came across a post on Franish where she discusses not necessarily wanting her Med School Colleagues to know about her blog. That combined with my recent conversation with a local blogger, got me thinking- Why am I blogging? Who Knows about it? Does it Matter?

I started this blog when I started my life as a married women. I have not hidden the blog nor have I exactly promoted it. I am honestly not sure where this blog is going to lead. But like Franish I am not sure I want some people to know about it. Why? Because I don't think they get it, and I don't want to be judged.

 Haven't I, however, by putting up a public blog opened doors for public discussion on what I am saying, whether its positive or negative? It may happen. I could privatize it but that was not why I am blogging? I am not sure.

Right now the blog is very low key, and pretty much about my thoughts and story. Someday it could evolve into some substantial content that people want to share and read- then it brings up a question of do I have  an obligation to my readers?  I don't know.

For Now I Blog, with the hopes of blogging more in the future. Lets see where this goes?

Obligatory New Years Post

Happy NEW YEAR!

Much has happened in 2013, Much More is to happen in the future ....

Scholar. Practitioner. Homemaker? (Part 2)

I ended last time with the idea of wanting to be a homemaker sometimes. I can hear many of my feminist friends cringe at this notion, and a couple of my friends cheer.

But there a another reality here, I love working. My current job is not my destination but I still enjoy it. I have been very lucky with the exception of banking, I have enjoyed all my jobs. Yes, even my retail and catering jobs. Of course there were aspects I disliked about all my jobs. But it was not until I worked in banking, that I understood the meaning of hating a job. Honestly, it sucks. I realized then also how important liking my job was to my identity.  I will most likely always work, at least part time. I think its important to me to do so- for myself, and for security. Although, don't get be wrong vacation/ sabbaticals that last multiple months are welcome :-)

In the United States and around the world many women ( and luckily a growing number of men) work and take care of their home but in my experience they genuinely prefer one. They would like to be able to just be stay at homes but can't financially. They would love to work and not have to household stuff but can't afford to pay someone. For now- lets not talk about the lucky women who can work and afford to pay someone to take care of their home or have the ability to stay at home or those who have to do neither*.

The struggle however comes here. There are two facts:
1) I enjoy working
2) I also enjoy taking care of my home.
I do want to say I am strictly talking about doing household projects, being able to cook more, cleaning, etc. I realize very much that there is a complex layer of relationships involved in this that motivate choices.

I don't know that I prefer working or home stuff. I want to excel at both.I don't want to pause my career for my home, or vice-versa. I know that is not possible as I move up in my career.Life is about compromises and some day I will need to make it. Heck, I make it now. My home falls to the back end since school and work take priority. Luckily M does more of the home stuff. But I feel my home is not to the standards I want. Not saying M is doing a poor job, but there are things that in my opinion need two people with more time to tackle. These things are not happening. In general I am concerned I am trying to be a perfectionist, and I might never be satisfied. I struggle because I don't see other men or women who enjoy and want to do both things. Am I weird? 


*Its important to note that not all people have the free will to choose these scenarios-some women to this day are being forced into one. Unfortunately not by circumstances but society and people, even in the United States.

Scholar. Practitioner. Homemaker? ( Part 1)

In this series of posts I am going to explore my ambitiousness and homemaking, make sense of it?
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I will say it (with fear of backlash) I envy stay at home spouses, and parents. For much of my childhood my mom was one and my home was much less chaotic. There is something to be said about having a tidy home and fresh meals when you get home that I truly miss.Of course, I am not saying that is all stay at home spouses or parents do- but that is what I miss as an adult in my house. Stay at home (women and men) do something incredible everyday, they keep homes together, and awesomely functioning.

Some days when despite my desperate efforts to have a functioning, organized, and clean home with good food- I just cannot do it. Perhaps it will be easier when I am not trying to juggle it with school and work, but somehow I am not sure its ever going to be that.

My mom is incredible. When we moved to the U.S.- she started working again, and even with that she maintained a home very well. Although, it was not never quite like when she stayed at home. And as she has gotten older- its been harder. My parents home is not as clean or as organized as before.(Although, I never thought it was particularly organized just really clean. But I am an organizing freak, on the border line of insane of how much I expect things to be organized. It should also be noted that I am terrible at reaching my expectations).

I think when it comes to domestic task something very detrimental has happened in society. While more and more women have the ability and need to work- they still are expected to be the primary homemaker. S, says that the most terrible outcome of the feminism moment is that it it never emancipated men from their stereotypes too (more on that some other day). I know this true in my parent's home, my father does not help out with a lot of domestic chores.

My home is a little different it represents the slowly changing world. M is very helpful around the home- he enjoys cooking, loves baking, is a laundry expert, but his organizing skills are questionable at best. Cleaning is a hit or miss. So many days I wish I could stay at home and work, or just be a stay at home wife some day??