When the going gets tough...

You Pause. You Avoid. You Dwell. You Stop Caring. You Get Angry.  But you pick up and move on!

Honestly speaking the last few months have been physically, and emotionally exhausting. I have been sick every other week, school has been tough to keep up, work has been draining, and my parents are having some difficulties too which also required my time. As I try to keep up- I have done all of the above; procrastinated and not done anything (pause), pretended like I had control (avoid), worried too much about things I could not control (dwell), I started letting myself go (stopped caring), gotten angry at the world (angry), and now I am ready to move on.

A few Thursdays ago- I did not pack lunch so I walked to get some lunch. As I walked  I focused on the good in my life. I am graduating with a master's degree, I am healthy, I have incredible friends and family, and so much more. I decided enough is enough.

I AM am going to get my act together.

I am not there yet. Since then I have slipped a few times, and needed to pick up again- but I know I can do it. Things might unravel again but I will then do it all over again, and not give up.

I think sometimes society, and we ourselves do not give enough credit to will power.
Originally I had a long ramble about the messages we are getting from society about will power etc, But I realized something- it was hard to convey, and I could not do get the words quite right. So all I want to say is without dismissing real problems like depression is that we as humans have amazing will power. Sometimes we forget that. Will power is not the ability to overcome problems right away- it is the ability to process it however one must, and to keep going. To fail and try again.

So when the going gets tough, remember you can get going too- and it's a process.

Ghar Se Ghar Tak (Fom Home to Home)

Whenever you travel there is a familiar feeling when you hit your own bed- It’s good to be back home.  

But it’s strange to say that when I come back from India- where is home? I was very much an American teenager, but I had an Indian adolescence. As such, going to back to India is very much an emotional roller coaster.  But this trip which I made after being away for too long…  What more? I took my white husband with me. But this journey was too beautiful- if chaotic at times. None the less- I rediscovered India, and it’s still beautiful. India is not perfect by any means, nor was this trip, but those are discussions for another day.  Today is about the beauty of India.  

I grew up in a city of dreams, Mumbai. One day in Mumbai of taking it all in- I was reminded how beautifully diverse India is. To an American eye India might appear less diverse but that is not the case. There is no religion, language, class, caste, and yes, even race uniting India. It’s strikingly diverse. Indians’ embrace and fear this diversity all at the same time. It’s untamed- there is always something going on, and it’s always changing. People are curious if sometimes a little nosy. But adults and children alike bask in their curiosity. In this curiosity I find acceptance, how can you possibly embrace a person or idea without getting to know it? It’s spiritual not necessarily religions. One will be surprised by the number of Hindus at Haji Ali or Mount Mary, and vice versa. India is colorful and historic. Both these things entice me. India is full of contradictions- this both a positive and negative.It’s reminiscent of us,human beings. India at the end of the day is home.

But at the end of the day lying on my bed in Madison, Wisconsin felt like home.  My trip to India in December 2013 returning January 2014- was a trip from home to home.

Why do you Blog? Who Knows about it?

Few months ago, I came across a post on Franish where she discusses not necessarily wanting her Med School Colleagues to know about her blog. That combined with my recent conversation with a local blogger, got me thinking- Why am I blogging? Who Knows about it? Does it Matter?

I started this blog when I started my life as a married women. I have not hidden the blog nor have I exactly promoted it. I am honestly not sure where this blog is going to lead. But like Franish I am not sure I want some people to know about it. Why? Because I don't think they get it, and I don't want to be judged.

 Haven't I, however, by putting up a public blog opened doors for public discussion on what I am saying, whether its positive or negative? It may happen. I could privatize it but that was not why I am blogging? I am not sure.

Right now the blog is very low key, and pretty much about my thoughts and story. Someday it could evolve into some substantial content that people want to share and read- then it brings up a question of do I have  an obligation to my readers?  I don't know.

For Now I Blog, with the hopes of blogging more in the future. Lets see where this goes?

Scholar. Practitioner. Homemaker? (Part 2)

I ended last time with the idea of wanting to be a homemaker sometimes. I can hear many of my feminist friends cringe at this notion, and a couple of my friends cheer.

But there a another reality here, I love working. My current job is not my destination but I still enjoy it. I have been very lucky with the exception of banking, I have enjoyed all my jobs. Yes, even my retail and catering jobs. Of course there were aspects I disliked about all my jobs. But it was not until I worked in banking, that I understood the meaning of hating a job. Honestly, it sucks. I realized then also how important liking my job was to my identity.  I will most likely always work, at least part time. I think its important to me to do so- for myself, and for security. Although, don't get be wrong vacation/ sabbaticals that last multiple months are welcome :-)

In the United States and around the world many women ( and luckily a growing number of men) work and take care of their home but in my experience they genuinely prefer one. They would like to be able to just be stay at homes but can't financially. They would love to work and not have to household stuff but can't afford to pay someone. For now- lets not talk about the lucky women who can work and afford to pay someone to take care of their home or have the ability to stay at home or those who have to do neither*.

The struggle however comes here. There are two facts:
1) I enjoy working
2) I also enjoy taking care of my home.
I do want to say I am strictly talking about doing household projects, being able to cook more, cleaning, etc. I realize very much that there is a complex layer of relationships involved in this that motivate choices.

I don't know that I prefer working or home stuff. I want to excel at both.I don't want to pause my career for my home, or vice-versa. I know that is not possible as I move up in my career.Life is about compromises and some day I will need to make it. Heck, I make it now. My home falls to the back end since school and work take priority. Luckily M does more of the home stuff. But I feel my home is not to the standards I want. Not saying M is doing a poor job, but there are things that in my opinion need two people with more time to tackle. These things are not happening. In general I am concerned I am trying to be a perfectionist, and I might never be satisfied. I struggle because I don't see other men or women who enjoy and want to do both things. Am I weird? 


*Its important to note that not all people have the free will to choose these scenarios-some women to this day are being forced into one. Unfortunately not by circumstances but society and people, even in the United States.

Scholar. Practitioner. Homemaker? ( Part 1)

In this series of posts I am going to explore my ambitiousness and homemaking, make sense of it?
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I will say it (with fear of backlash) I envy stay at home spouses, and parents. For much of my childhood my mom was one and my home was much less chaotic. There is something to be said about having a tidy home and fresh meals when you get home that I truly miss.Of course, I am not saying that is all stay at home spouses or parents do- but that is what I miss as an adult in my house. Stay at home (women and men) do something incredible everyday, they keep homes together, and awesomely functioning.

Some days when despite my desperate efforts to have a functioning, organized, and clean home with good food- I just cannot do it. Perhaps it will be easier when I am not trying to juggle it with school and work, but somehow I am not sure its ever going to be that.

My mom is incredible. When we moved to the U.S.- she started working again, and even with that she maintained a home very well. Although, it was not never quite like when she stayed at home. And as she has gotten older- its been harder. My parents home is not as clean or as organized as before.(Although, I never thought it was particularly organized just really clean. But I am an organizing freak, on the border line of insane of how much I expect things to be organized. It should also be noted that I am terrible at reaching my expectations).

I think when it comes to domestic task something very detrimental has happened in society. While more and more women have the ability and need to work- they still are expected to be the primary homemaker. S, says that the most terrible outcome of the feminism moment is that it it never emancipated men from their stereotypes too (more on that some other day). I know this true in my parent's home, my father does not help out with a lot of domestic chores.

My home is a little different it represents the slowly changing world. M is very helpful around the home- he enjoys cooking, loves baking, is a laundry expert, but his organizing skills are questionable at best. Cleaning is a hit or miss. So many days I wish I could stay at home and work, or just be a stay at home wife some day??

Appearance, Inferiority, and Dignity

Eleanor Roosevelt once said," No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."  I think she was a brilliant women, and this is a quote I have myself use. However, I think like everything there are limitations to this thought. Today I am going to reflect about appearance, inferiority, and dignity. When I say "appearance" I am primarily thinking about weight, grooming, and body enhancements. But there are of course other very crucial things to your appearance like race, culture, etc. that are significantly more complicated. Not to say what I am discussing today is not complicated.

One thing I reflected upon in my coming into your own style post is the fact that women have a lot of pressure to look good.I also state that a person should change for themselves and not society. I truly do believe that, you should change your appearance because you want too. But the reality is quite complex, its not like a child looks at a their nose and says "its crooked", the child at some point has learned that.I have struggled with how I feel about appearance for a long time. Its one of those places where society has constructed notions on prettiness, and make people feel inferior all the time. But there are personal choices involved too.

I use to believe that plastic surgery unless for medical reasons is vain but then I thought about how unhappy someone must be with a body part to willingly change it sometimes via painful procedures. If they have the money, and it brings them happiness- what is wrong with it? How is it any different that spending money on other luxury items for feeling better. But isn't there something wrong? Especially when we as a society choose to promote some particular features. There is something inherently disturbing about east Asians wanting to fix their eyes to look more big. Hair Removal in women in another thing that is similar- why are women expected to shave, and remove their facial hair and judged if they don't. I remember the Sikh women who chose not to due to her religion, and the internet was HARSH. Although, many did come to her rescue and point out the gender hypocrisy and such. This hits especially close to heart because I myself have dark facial hair.Weight is even more tricky because health concerns associated with it. Of course there are many more things associated with appearance as such; make- up, dressing,etc. On many of these I don't have the right answer they are more grey that society makes it to be. There are people's emotions, meaning in daily life, and much more involved. Its not easy to answer.

So how then do we say what is right?

I say the answer is DIGNITY. Treating people no matter how they look with dignity. I am not prefect at this- I have my personal preferences on appearances. So I am trying everyday to not let it cloud my judgement and treatment of others. That said wanting people you care about to change for their benefit for example loosing or putting on weight is not wrong in my opinion. But one must do so in a manner that acknowledges that it is that person's body, and they have the right to choose. Acknowledging that their feelings are more important than your notions. I am not prefect at this by any means- but I am trying, and striving to do it right everyday. Now only if I could get more of the world on board with this.

P.S- I still think that is wrong to physically change children (eg. nose job) without a medical reason. I think that is a choice they should make when they are olde, and not because you have some notions of  being pretty. But that too gets complicated. For example its common in my dad's culture to have kids' (boys and girls) ears pierced. That is something I was planning on doing when/if I choose to have kinds- but is it right?

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/e/eleanor_roosevelt.html#qvlj0eYl2IdihKWQ.99

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/e/eleanor_roosevelt.html#qvlj0eYl2IdihKWQ.99

What is in a Name?

 In the words of Shakespeare:

What's in a name? that which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet;
So Romeo would, were he not Romeo call'd,
Retain that dear perfection which he owes
Without that title. Romeo, doff thy name,
And for that name which is no part of thee
Take all myself.

I love that quote of Shakespeare. I have remembered it since high school, I cannot say that for much else. Yet the world of Romeo and Juliet shows that a name does matter. Their names at the end of the day got them killed. But we call it a tragedy- because we think the feud, and them getting killed were both unnecessary. So then perhaps their names should not matter- for an individual would be that person with or without their name. Right? Honestly, I dont know.

How are you named?( Who came up with your Given Name) What is your last name? ( Does it mean anything?) The answer to all these questions differs greatly depending on where you live. Many of us, most of the time don't even think about how our first and last name came about.It is something we accept. We more than accept, we love and cherish it as a crucial part of our identity. But there is a time that people in some cultures start thinking about their name more, especially women- that is if you answer yes to the question below.

Do you live in a culture where there is a practice of changing names after marriage?

 I happen to be born in a culture where women change their last name after marriage,(although note that this is not true for all Indians but rather most)  and happen to live in one. I started thinking about it shortly after getting engaged. For multiple reasons I chose to keep my name, something that not many Indian women do. One day while talking about my name with M, he asked me " would you have changed your name if you were in India?" I thought about it and said, " Honestly, I am not sure not changing would have been a choice. I am glad it is" He smiled and said, " I am glad it is too." So my main two reasons for not changing my name is to celebrate that choice I had, and because when I moved here my name became a very important part of cultural identity. I was marrying outside my culture, and it was a way to hold on to a bit more of it. This was a very personal choice.

2013 in the United States, I was really surprised at the negative reactions I got from people (Very few from Indians)- honestly, sometimes it hurt. Someone actually went "oh do you not want to be associated with M?" Really then why would I marry him? Honestly, I dont mind being called Mrs.M either, as long as it is not something you are doing to be a prick. I have had family and friends call me that in good conscious and I am more than happy.

My good friend from college changed her last name to her husband's, a fellow classmate of mine changed his name to his wife's last name, my aunt hyphenated her surname, another friend kept her last name, and a couple I knew both combined their last names. All these are people I respect, and their name choices have nothing to do with it. I can also respect all the choices they made about their names, because I realize that they are still the same person. I think choosing to change or not change your name is a personal decision. There are several:cultural, practical, personal, historical, etc reasons for it. Some people think a name is worth fighting for, others don't. What I do wish is that people could respect all choices equally.

A name is personal- respect it, like you do the person.

The Blog Begins

Recently married and surprised at how personal people get once you get married/ are getting married. Questions are asked that well stunned me. None the less, its good to be speechless sometimes.

Life is interesting, it was even before I was married. However, here is a point and I have a start.

So I am starting to share the daily somethings of  a woman in her mid twenties, who is:

- Generation 1.5 Immigrant (I move from India to the US, when I was 12)

- Married to someone who is a different race and religion than me (Yup, I am the girl that married the white guy and love it)

-Working Full-Time (That thing people need to do to pay the bills. I happen to like what I am doing but its not my career)

-Going to School (getting a Masters Degree in Educational Leadership and Policy Analysis, with a higher education emphasis)

I imagine my life is as complicated and as boring, as most other people, perhaps a little different. I don't know. But here is to figuring it out and enjoying it!